I give up

So here I am, sitting in my new living room, starting another new phase in my life. The past 7 years has been all about major transition. I moved 14 times just to give you an idea of what I mean. But somehow in the midst of all those moves -three of which involved changing states- I went pretty numb artistically. Oh, I had a few islands of creative out pouring, but they felt more like trying to come up with something, than to get something down before it flew away!  Seriously, -the best art is more like catching something passing by, passing through one, than actually Creating it from nothing with a capital C, like an ego driven extrovert with a God complex. Its more about being humble and serving the muse, at 3 in the morning, or instead of ones "day job" if that is what she demands.

 I did manage to accomplish a lot of things in the eyes of the world, though the last 3 years have seemed pretty hollow. I finally got my bachelors degree, ended two unhealthy and stagnating friendships, and a marriage, lost two beloved animal companions, unexpectedly got one back two years later, started a new relationship with a longtime crush, healed old, broken down methods of familial non-communication, amassed student loans enough to fund the moon launch in the sixties, and both walked away from and rediscovered the joy of creativity and making art about 6 times, before calling it quits altogether.

 Let us just say that there was heart ache, despair, depression, and a complete and utter lack of HOPE, vision, opportunity or direction. There was ineffectual medical advice, more debt, at least 3 bogus employers, two good ones, a few amazingly supportive friends, and an "Art Class" that lassoed and regulated my creative voice to such an extent that I was left so empty, disillusioned and used up, that for the entire next year life was with out hope, or meaning, or purpose. I really just wanted to just die, and swore off art, artsy-ness, and creativity for good.... and yet here I am two years later and all that inner artist crap is leaking out around the edges again.

I SHOULD have my nose to the grind stone. Again. still. forever. some more. I should be getting another "Real Job" since the call center thing crashed and burned when I walked out in the middle of my shift last month. I didn't even stand up on the desk and sing Lion King at the top of my lungs first -or anything else I had planned for my supreme exit. I just cleaned out my desk, and my gym  locker, wrote a letter to my supervisor about why they could all shove it, and quietly went home without ceremony. What a sad, unfortunate Walter Mitty Moment.

Since I've been home again, in a home I like for the first time in over 3 years, I have been cooking a lot, wild, delicious concoctions designed to stretch my dollar, - did you know they frown on giving you food stamps if you quit a job? Understandable I guess, to many free loaders, but I WANT to work! I don't want to be an artist. I don't want to stay home bored and alone all day, and have to be creative about how to make ends meet. I don't want to be self disciplined and try to create pop culture arty-ness in a rental unit where I have to worry about the carpet. ITS JUST NOT PRACTICAL...

But here I am, my head near to busting with ideas and opinions about everything this week, for the first time in over 2 years. Everywhere I look, every conversation, every groceries list, or mundane facebook post  has elements of artist inspiration woven through it. Its all to much to even try to catalog, it is a heady, manic, euphoric feeling after years of striving in the artistic desert of despair. I can't seem to capture it all in a sentence, but I want to get some of it down before the muse forsakes me again. Try as I might to conform, and be Normal, and fit it, and pay my bills, and go to the gym, it seems I am destined to be a loud, non conforming artist with wacky ideas, living from a soft heart moment by moment, for better or worse. I give up. Do you hear me universe!?

Fine. I will write something. OK. Fine, I will cook a new dish. OK, fine. I will get the paints out. Fine. Whatever. I will open the project file of the old ideas I never had time to get to...

The project and the questions

 I believe there are certain fundamental things, truths about art and artistic process that are the same across mediums, and across levels of success and popularity. As an artist myself I have struggled with many questions about identity and the relevance of my work and the cost of living. I decided to ask around. Artists: how are we the same and how are we different.

What this is:
A bunch of different artists mostly unknown to each other, some make a living from thier art but many are struggling to make their art and still make ends meet, an art student who knows of them all, and a list of probing questions.... hmmm lets see what happens.


I will ask all the artists the same set of questions, and answer them myself in the course of the interviews. Here are the questions:

What kinds of art do you make? What are your preferred mediums? (& may I take a picture of you with your work?)
Do you recognize yourself as an artist? When did you start? Was there a specific process or event that you experienced to begin to see yourself that way?
How is art (making art, etc) a Rite of Passage for you (does it transform you, your state of mind, or state of being in the world)?
Why do YOU make art?
Do you show, exhibit or sell any of your work? Why or why not, and how important is that to you?
What do you personally consider to be your Best work so far? ...And
What is your most popular or best received work? (Are they the same? Why do you think that is?)
Who or what influences your ideas and your work -past, present, future? In other words, what inspires you?
Do you usually create from a sense of free form exploration or from a conscious sense of following a theme? Have you done both? How does your approach to your work influence its outcome?
Do you feel the art takes form differently when it is created with the intent to convey a specific message to the viewer (V.S. Just an organic expression or extension of the artist)?
How does your approach to the work influence your own process in the studio?
What does it mean to take your own art and process seriously?
What is your favorite art form (or artist) as a viewer?