For some its a matter of managing addiction, for some its about channeling the self loathing, but in the end its really about sweeping the fear under the rug. I am talking about self destructive behaviors. Choose your poison.
The internal dialog goes something like this:
"Will I make a thing? How will I look making the thing? what if its crap? what if I am not suddenly famous and able to earn a living because of the thing? or worse! what if I am? what if people want to talk to me and get personal with their ideas about what my thing means? what if its boring? What if they are boring? what if I am really boring?
or worse yet, what if I make a thing and no one even notices and nothing even changes, and my life still sucks and I am no closer to paying my rent or getting out of debt or gaining any respect?"
... it goes on and on and its a lot easier to over indulge in booze, drugs, sex, work, anything but actually attempting to make a thing. Any thing.
But the need to be creative leaks out around the corners of our lives; Arranging the paper clips on our desks, or how we hang or even pile the clothes in our closet....
I've been making food. Food feels safe. Most people like it, some one is likely to notice. And if its horrid you just make something else the next day. Any mistakes are forgotten quickly in the aromas and sensory input of the latest work. Its easy to be dedicated and disciplined because hunger is a powerful driving force demanding regular production, preparation and completion of each project.
I can console my small, shattered, depressed self, with feelings of superiority because in many ways food is the truest embodiment of what ART is. It is a careful process and presentation that creates an immediate emotional experience. An experience that is gone, over and removed to the realm of memory as soon as it has been completely experienced. That is the epitome of true Art.
For many, a painting or a sculpture is real art because it endures the passage of time, and can be experienced again and again. But if ART is the process of creation, then the painting, photograph or sculpture is merely the product, the tangible memory or window into the energetic state of that process.
Many times I have busted my ass to build a body of work for a show, or an assignment, or just a time line for portfolio photography, only to destroy the products to the ultimate dismay of my teachers and classmates. Yet I was able to understand something they could not grasp: The destruction of the product was in itself an expression, an act of ART as much as its creation. Nature destroys in order to create. It destroys in order to free the energy and release it from its locked, committed, static form so it can flow, inspire and cycle back into being in a new form. The molecules of genius.
As I struggle through this latest bout of depression and sense of existing in a world that does not see or value ME or my skills, or my ideas, as I look for a job (any job) to support myself, I am inundated with messages to "Follow your Bliss". So I have recently quit looking for work, after an entire YEAR in two states, of unsuccessful and un-insightful interviews, and resume black holes that have just eaten my resumes. It just doesn't seem to make a difference that I have tried so very hard for this log. It has just stripped me of my self confidence, while spinning my wheels and wearing me out.
For the first time in over 2 years, I want to create ART.
In order to do this I must create a safe space to ALLOW creativity to unfold, physically, mentally, emotionally. A space where I am not on a time clock or playing defense to justify my "screwing around" and "giving up supporting myself", and just "expecting the system to take care of me". I have to create a space that these voices (and their various owners, my own included), and the ego cannot penetrate. I have to create this safe space, round up supplies, commit to daily studio time in a disciplined and consistent act, and suspend judgement of myself and any fledgling creations that sprout or don't within that sacred place.
1, 2, 3...
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