big fish

Sometimes in order to fit in, to not be "too much" we make ourseves small. It is a byproduct of those who have had to overcome great adversity in childhood to "try to hard" and we dont know how to stop. It becomes an innate part of who we are.

Sometimes other people do not understand us, or are not comfortable with our obvious discomfort, and they try to make us be even less. Less than who we are, less than what we are meant to be. express less, have less, do less, be less. but I say NO! NO NO NO!

So to all the other big fish in small ponds out there: YOU DO YOU, harming none, and haters be damned. For most of my time on this planet Ive tried to contort myself into fitting into other peoples projections, plans, preferences. Mostly so I could feel accepted, get love, belong to the family, not be the freak, get the job,  or keep my parents / boss/ spouse / PTA /social group / roommates from feeling or acting in a negative way towards me: threatend, jealous, disapproving, baffled, embarrassed, or worse, ditching me altogether.

I feel so blessed wth the precious few friends who may not always understand me but who always just accept me as I am and never ask me to be less to fit thier needs.  Now I am journeying back through time to discover all they ways and times I have played along with this unspoken expectation.

I want to identify the times I still do this and make anew choice. When I dont make myself small I can breathe, I feel inspired, I actually get excited about possibilities, and for a few minutes my lifelong depression fades.

film

Ive been playing with video and editing. something I've wanted to do for 20+ years, but the technology was not accessible.  I have decide to start with stock footage and sound effects while I learn various free editors out there. once I get the hang of it all, I will do more full scale works. I also plan to participate on GISHWHES this year which should help.

New Life

New Beginnings

I've discovered youtube. Not that I hadn't before, just as a creative outlet. I am curently trying out script writing, combining what I know: kinesiology, with what I do: teaching, and plan to make a video for my students so they can play it as often as they like, and I can stop repeating myself. If all goes well, it should keep me pretty busy, and help me develop some skills for more creative attempts later.
 I will keep you posted.

meanwhile checklist:
set design
props
script
sound
lighting
camera  -my phone?
editing software....

 whew, its a lot to think about.

xoxo