big fish

Sometimes in order to fit in, to not be "too much" we make ourseves small. It is a byproduct of those who have had to overcome great adversity in childhood to "try to hard" and we dont know how to stop. It becomes an innate part of who we are.

Sometimes other people do not understand us, or are not comfortable with our obvious discomfort, and they try to make us be even less. Less than who we are, less than what we are meant to be. express less, have less, do less, be less. but I say NO! NO NO NO!

So to all the other big fish in small ponds out there: YOU DO YOU, harming none, and haters be damned. For most of my time on this planet Ive tried to contort myself into fitting into other peoples projections, plans, preferences. Mostly so I could feel accepted, get love, belong to the family, not be the freak, get the job,  or keep my parents / boss/ spouse / PTA /social group / roommates from feeling or acting in a negative way towards me: threatend, jealous, disapproving, baffled, embarrassed, or worse, ditching me altogether.

I feel so blessed wth the precious few friends who may not always understand me but who always just accept me as I am and never ask me to be less to fit thier needs.  Now I am journeying back through time to discover all they ways and times I have played along with this unspoken expectation.

I want to identify the times I still do this and make anew choice. When I dont make myself small I can breathe, I feel inspired, I actually get excited about possibilities, and for a few minutes my lifelong depression fades.